Our Baby

Before I can continue on with my story, there is something else I need to share with you.  Matt and I wrote this together and it is with his permission that I share this with you.

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At 1:48am on the early morning of Sunday, March 20th, we got to meet the little baby that we had already loved more than these words can explain for the last three months.  It’s hard to explain a love that has never seen or touched the object of that affection, but we loved our little baby as much as anything can ever be loved.

He was a boy and his name was Luke.  Little Luke passed away about a week before Sunday, five months before he was due.  We do not know why and we are likely never to know, and we will certainly never understand.  We have asked a million times over why this precious little soul was taken from us so early.  But it would be unfair to question why this happened so unjustly without questioning why we have our little miracle, Elizabeth.  He did not deserve to be taken so soon, it was unfair that he was not given the chance to lead a full life, and our hearts break that we could not prevent his passing.

He was so small that it was hard to believe, but he was our little angel.  While small, we could still touch his little hands and feet and we were able to hold our little boy, even if his soul had passed earlier.  We gave him a name because he existed and he was loved, even if it was for a time far shorter than he deserved.  Luke was one of the first names we ever agreed on when discussing potential names for Elizabeth before we knew she was a girl, and he deserved to be treated with the same affection, thought, and love.  The memory of our little boy can never be taken from us, even with the precious little time we were blessed to spend with him.

Luke would have been a wonderful baby, a delightful toddler, a lively child, and an admirable man.  We are mourning the loss of all of these stages in his life.  We don’t just miss a baby, we miss an entire lifetime, a dream of what should have been.

We were surrounded by a loving group of nurses who took care of us for three days under very difficult circumstances, and made sure that Jen was as comfortable as possible at all times.  They didn’t have to show us the kindness and mercy that they did, but we will be forever grateful to those ladies who watched over us like angels during our difficult ordeal.

We could have chosen an ‘easier’ path, one that would have made a successful life for Luke’s future brothers and sisters more difficult,  and would have allowed us to ‘forget’ and move on faster.  But we owed it to Luke’s life and legacy that we did not abandon his memory or allow his passing to negatively affect the family that loved him so much. We never wanted to ‘forget’ anything about Luke.   Jen was a champion for her little boy, choosing the difficult path at every step of the process, at times causing additional pain and discomfort.  She was his Mom until the end, protecting and caring for his little body and soul with all of her being.  Thank God, Jen made it through healthy and safe, with no expected long-term health repercussions.

We firmly believe that Luke is with God now.  His Mom said that in these situations, while heart-wrenching and tragic for us, little Luke knew nothing but warmth, comfort, and the undying love of his family.  He felt no pain or suffering, his only feeling was of peace.  He was conceived in love and carried in love, and while his time with us was tragically and devastatingly short, he was blessed to know only love.

We are trying to return to some semblance of normality, though it will be difficult to imagine for a while.  We do not believe that Luke would have wanted us to lose sight of our responsibilities as Elizabeth’s parents, and to care and provide for our precious reminder of how blessed we truly are.  We truly believe that Luke will always be with us, and is at rest and at peace.  We did not have a formal service for Luke.  We are comfortable knowing that he was loved inherently by God and his entire family and we have felt the numerous thoughts and prayers sent in this difficult time.  This note will serve as Luke’s eulogy, which I doubt we could have ever made it through in person.

Life will go on and our family will slowly recover and get back to normal.  Matt is returning to work on Thursday and Elizabeth’s playmates and Jen’s friends will be spending time here the rest of the week.  Right now it feels like neither of us could speak a word of this without tears or breaking down, but we will get there.  Please allow us the time and kindness that you all have shown so far to continue.  Slowly we will be back in touch and we sincerely and honestly appreciate all of your kind words and prayers more than any of you could know.  Thank you for your love for our little Luke, he felt it the whole time.  In closing;

His name is Luke and all he knew was love.