Wonderings and What Ifs

  • My biggest wondering is what happened?  Why did he die? He measured fifteen weeks exactly (if I remember correctly, when they were measuring, I was kind of upset), but I know for sure that he was alive on March 11th and that would have been fifteen weeks, three days.  He died somewhere between March 12th and March 17th.  I know there can be differences in measurements and such, but to me this suggests some kind of growth restriction.
  • When did he die?  What was I doing?
  • Causes of second trimester loss are much more rare.  It is more likely to be a problem with me, instead of a problem with him.  My first miscarriage never got an answer either, but it had all the hallmarks of being just one of those things, a chromosomal problem probably.  But the reason that twelve weeks is considered one of the first safety zones is because nearly all chromosomal problems have already appeared.  Miscarriage after twelve weeks is like a 2% kind of thing.
  • Sixty-seven percent of the occupants of my uterus have now died.  Matt and I keep wondering if Elizabeth is the statistical anomaly.  Are we even luckier to have her than we thought before?
  • If we decide to try again, can we even conceive another baby?  We are kind of infertile.  I say kind of because we have always conceived without assistance, but if we were fertile, Elizabeth would have been born in 2007, not in December of 2008.
  • My cycle the month before Luke was conceived was 22 days long with spotting or bleeding on 13 days.  That doesn’t leave a lot of fertile time.  I only have a normal person’s cycle once or twice a year.
  • What if it happened again?  What if we had another baby that died?
  • I am also really sad that Elizabeth is going to grow up knowing that babies die.