Officially, a loss between conception and twenty weeks is classified as a miscarriage and a loss after twenty weeks is classified as a stillbirth. I was sixteen and a half weeks.
This wasn’t the same as a full term loss. I didn’t come home to an empty nursery, I came home to a house with a room that we were going to clean out, with a single stuffed animal in it. I don’t have to explain to the grocery store checker or the Chinese food restaurant where the baby is because I wasn’t showing enough that anyone would have dared to assume I was pregnant, even though they may have been suspicious. My physical experience and recovery are much easier than with a full term birth. I lived with the hope of this baby for three months, not for eight.
However. I’ve had a miscarriage and this isn’t a miscarriage either. There is something wholly different in this experience. There is something so, so different for a baby that I labored for, delivered, held, kissed, named, and called a funeral home for. I’m in an in-between place, stuck between two definitions.
{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Jen – My heart hurts for you…
Know that someone in Chicago is sending thoughts and prayers your direction.
I know exactly how you feel – here in France the “cut-off” point between “stillborn baby” and “miscarried embryo” was 23 weeks, and I lost my first daughter at 22w5d… I was treated horribly by certain people at the hospital and was way too distressed to fight for my rights, so my beautiful little girl was never buried, never named, never included in our family papers. It broke my heart.
I’m so glad you’re getting the love and support you need; this is such a hard time. I know I wanted to smack everyone who told me “you’ll have another one” in the mouth because that is soooo not what I wanted to hear. You need time to come to terms with your loss, to heal your body and soul, before you can move forwards. Your sweet little Dibits will be a huge help I’m sure.
You remain in my thoughts, and I wish you and your family all the very best.
Clicked through from still life with circles. I just wanted to stop by and tell you how very sorry I am to hear that you lost this baby. Best to you and your family.
*HUGS* because I have no words that could even remotely help heal your pain.
You and Matt are in my prayers!
To hell with “official” definitions and cut-offs for terminology. Yet in-between places are so very difficult, I suppose because the human mind wants clarity and something definite.
I’m so sorry you lost this baby.
We lost our first baby in that same place in between, almost to the day. And I could have written all the words you wrote above. Reading what you wrote brings me right back to that place of not knowing exactly who we lost or what it meant- understanding took some time. I have found that there simply are no words that truly capture the things in life that matter most. No matter what you call this in-between place, I am so, so sorry you are there. My heart is with you. Wishing you moments of peace and comfort today.
You birthed a loved, cared-for, much desired baby, who had tragically gone onto heaven prior to birth. I’m amazed at your strength, even if it feels like you have none. There isn’t a word to describe this – it’s way, way too big a thing that has happened to you and to that tiny little person.
my heart is aching for you. <3
Jen, I agree with you. I labored with the 1st “mis”carriage, but still that was a child, a life, a baby. I agree that a 3 month loss is probably easier than an eight month loss, it is still a loss and you need to grieve.. IT is part of the healing process. Hang in there and know who as a “blogging” communite support you.
Oh sweetie. No words. Just love.
I have no words other than im so so sorry for your loss. They don’t seem to be enough. I’m mostly a lurker, but have come out a few times on your blog, and have been reading you for a while. No matter how it’s defined you lost your child, to me it doesn’t matter how it’s medically defined. I will be thinking of you and reading, and virtually holding your hand.
I think that you get to define this however you need to. I’m so sorry.
Jen, as much as this post makes my heart ache, it is so beautifully said. I wish you and your family peace and recovery, and I’m so very sorry for your loss.
no matter how far along you were, or how your pregnancy was classified, that is YOUR baby who was and is greatly loved. The hurt is real and understandable, and you needn’t make any apologies for grieving. You are not alone, Jen. Much love to you…
I agree that the longer you live with the hope for your baby, the harder things will be. But please don’t discount what you’re going through because of some arbitrary definition. You’ve been through loss before, and this might be harder for you than it would be for someone else, because passing the gestational age of the other miscarriage brought with it some relief and hope. I’m so sorry you guys have had to endure this, and I wish I could offer something more substantial than virtual companionship. ((((hugs))))
This is the same as a loss of a 20 week baby. You can’t feel bad for feeling that way. You did everything with that baby that would have been done a few weeks later if it would have happened. You love that baby no matter how far along you are, that is just how woman are. You knew the baby was in there living and growing. Loss at any stage is hard. I have been thinking of you and your family all weekend. We are here for you.
I’m here from Sippy Cups. Much love to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
This was something we used to have to emphasize in our pregnancy loss support group — that everyone’s loss was significant, regardless of the circumstances or the gestational age of the baby. Women who had earlier losses sometimes felt the women who had later losses had more reason to grieve than they did, that they somehow had it worse. They were almost apologetic for speaking about their own losses & grief. Or the parents who had living children felt guilty when listening to the ones who didn’t, or the ones who didn’t have fertility problems felt guilty listening to those of us who did. From my vantage point, as both a stillbirth mom (at 26 weeks) with infertility problems & a facilitator, the bottom line is that every loss sucks, plain & simple. :p
I am glad you had the opportunity to see & hold your baby & have a funeral. Sometimes, when you’re in that “grey area,” you have to fight for these things, which seems so horribly unfair. I hope it helps you. (((hugs)))
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve never been pregnant so I guess I can’t say for sure. But I can only imagine that a mother’s love for her baby is just as strong at 3 months as it is at 9 months. So there’s just as much cause for grief in both cases. Still here thinking of you guys. Hugs!
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I like what Loribeth said. She is wise. I know I have had a lot of guilt about my grief, knowing others suffer deeper, more complicated grief. Definitions end up muddling that so much more than it has to be. But the baby is your child. No gestational age can change that. You lost your child. Period. Grief is grief is grief. We are grieving with you. xo
Love and hugs and tears for you, hon. I’m so sorry.
xoxo
This just sucks. No matter what anyone defines it as. Whatever feelings you have are totally justified. Sending more internet love…
Big hugs and kisses from Texas. I am thinking of you, Matt, and Dibits.
I have no words except to say that a loss is a loss…no matter that you were 16 1/2 weeks, 6 weeks or full term. You lost a child. You have every right to feel the way you do. Love and hugs.
So sorry. I’m just so so sorry for your loss.
I agree with those who say “screw definitions”…except that I understand how defining something can make it easier to deal with. It also makes it easier to push down, ignore, not deal with, by the same token. You lost a child, and it doesn’t matter whether it was a miscarriage, a mid-term stillbirth, a full-term stillbirth, after birth…you lost a child, a dream. You were attached to this child. I am not really sure that gestational age makes a difference in attachment level for some – it just is. You have every right to feel every emotion that comes across your brain and body, and so does everyone else in your family (so long as they aren’t blaming you somehow, because then they just need to have their asses kicked).
*hugs* for you as you try to come to grips and find some way to work your way through this. You have a strong support system in the blogosphere – don’t be afraid to utilize it!
I’ve been a lurker on your blog for years. I only read at work (nice right?), and when I came in this morning and read about your loss, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I’m so sorry for your loss!! All my love to you and your family, I’ll be praying you!
I’m so sorry sweetie. You and your family are in my prayers.
Jen I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I am sending you a big hug.
There does need to be another word. I don’t know what it is, but once again, our language lacks what our heart feels.
Those definition drive me crazy!! When I had a few chemical pregnancies, my doctors wouldn’t even acknowledge them or admit that they existed. They said hurtful things like “false positive” or “that’s why you shouldn’t test early.” Like I didn’t know my body and what was going on. It made me so angry. It was as if they were telling me that nothing happened and that I shouldn’t be upset. As if I wasn’t already dreaming about my baby and all the amazing things to come.
That was your baby and your experience, so don’t be afraid to feel what you feel. You’ve lost something you loved and that is what matters.
xx
Well crap. This sucks. Having just been through this I understand how you feel. Thinking of you. I’m here if you need some one to talk to or just know that lots of people are thinking of you.
Here from LFCA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
My heart is breaking for you… This was a beautiful post that gave me both tears and shivers.
How anyone could classify that as a miscarriage is beyond me, you’re so strong.
I’m so very sorry. It’s not fair. Hurt is hurt and I’m sorry that you are hurting. Sending you much love.
my love for you & your family just made the rain stop in Philadelphia
I just found out and am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is heartbreaking at any stage of development. I echo Loribeth’s sentiments about a loss being a loss no matter how far a long you were. I also appreciate where you are coming from having had a miscarrage before and this not feeling like that. It just sucks that you have to live through this, but I am glad to hear that you are being surrounded by so much love and support. I know that made my journeys through our losses more barable. It is still so painful (physically and emotionally), but not having to go through it alone makes a big difference. I hope things some of the rituals you are doing to honor your baby’s life and memory will help you to find some peace and comfort as you begin to work through your grief and heal. Hang in there Jen. Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your baby and all the hopes and dreams you had for your new child. (((HUGS))) Sending lots of prayers for healing and strength your way.
I am so sorry Jen. I’ve been a lurker for a while, and I was so excited for you when you announced this pregnancy a few weeks ago. I have been behind on my blog reading, so I just read about the loss of your baby and I am heartbroken for you guys. I am thinking of you and sending thoughts of healing and peace your way.
At a loss for words. I am SO SORRY!
I am so sorry for your loss, and for you having to be in an in-between place. Those places are the hardest to be in. I’m in a different kind of in-between, but I think I can relate a little.
But mostly, I am just so sorry that your precious baby died. Sending you love and prayers.
I think those of us who have experienced loss and infertility know what our own experiences felt like, but no one can define yours or put your hurt in a box classified as a “miscarriage” or “stillbirth” Cope with this terrible situation the way that you need to and know that we’re all here to listen, love and cry with you.
I am so very sorry for your loss. And I am sorry you have to be in an in-between place. Those places are very hard and can feel very isolating. (((Hugs)))
Thinking of you and your precious baby and sending love and prayers.
Sorry about the double comment–I thought the first one didn’t go through. So now I’m making a triple comment to make up for it. Oops!
Hugs to your family…..
My heart is broken for you. There are no words for what you have experienced. I am so very, very sorry. May gods love embrace you at this time. May you have his strong shoulder to cry on and your faith to get you through.
As much as it hurts, I’m so glad you had that small amount of time to hold and kiss and love your angel. There is no definition for what you’re going through…
OH, NO! Just reading all this. I’m so terribly sorry. Sending you big hugs and much love from up north.
Here from LFCA…so, so sorry for your loss.
Jen, I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.
*hugs*
Here from LFCA and just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am for your loss. My heart goes out to you and I wish for comfort and peace for you and your family in the days and weeks to come. I wish there was something more to say, but there isn’t, so I will just say again, I’m so very sorry you and your family are suffering through such a loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
You will always be mom to that baby and that baby will always be your child. I’m so so sorry.
Jen, I have no words that would be adequate.
But I just wanted to say I am thinking of you daily, sending love and prayers during this difficult time of suffering.
So so so sorry
XXXX
I think our language doesn’t have words for things we can’t quite fathom or comprehend. And that makes it that much easier to just pretend it doesn’t happen. Because there are no words for it. I’m sorry you are in this place. Know that we’re all here to listen as you try to figure out the words for it all. It won’t happen overnight, so be kind to yourself.
I’m keeping you in my thoughts
If I get to add a word to the language, I’m going to go for “miss-birth” — you had a birth, and you miss your baby. Sending love and prayers.
Thinking of you and your family. Many hugs and prayers.
So incredibly sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
I just read your story from LFCA and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for you! I had a stillborn little girl at 21 weeks and its just the worst thing ever!! My heart was breaking for you when I went back through your blog posts and read what was happening.
I wish I had profound words that would help you or bring you some comfort but I’m not sure that there is any in a crappy situation like this.
I’m sending love, prayers, and hugs!
I am so very sorry. That there isn’t even an adequate word for it just compounds the awfulness.
Here from LFCA. There are no words that are good enough here. I am so, so sorry, Jen. I’m holding you and your family in my heart.
I read about you on LFCA today and recognized your address as one I’ve seen on jennepper’s blog several times. I was hoping that you weren’t the same, “herewegoajen” as the witty, happy gal I read comments from quite often on Jen’s blog. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Gosh darn it. I don’t know you, but I’ve read so many of your encouraging words to Jen – and I wanted to pass on my condolences. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
I have been a lurker of yours without commenting for far too long. I am so sorry for the loss that is prompting me to finally comment but I wanted to let you know that you have yet another virtual hand to hold. There really are no words to ease the awfulness of having to say goodbye to your sweet child instead of hello. I am sorry. You, Matt, Elizabeth, and your extended family are in my prayers.
Thinking of You and your family.
:(
I’m so sorry Jen. You’re right … it is so much more than a miscarriage. You lost your baby … someone that you already loved and had plans for in your heart. 3 1/2 more weeks of life would not have made your little one any more legitimate. I’m so glad that they let you hold your baby … at least the medical world is becoming more sensitive.
This is not a good place to be. I can’t even imagine your pain after having gone through this experience. My miscarriage sucked ass, but I did not have to deliver, name, hold, or make burial arrangements. I am so very sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I will continue to think of you, and to pray for your family.
I know how it is, and I don’t. I lost my little girl at just about the same # of weeks, but she wasn’t big enough to require that I do labor and delivery. I have always felt that I missed something because I never got to see her, hold her, or name her. I’ll send you an email w my # in case you want to talk. Hugs.
Oh Jen, I am so terribly sorry to hear this news. My heart breaks for all of you.
I delivered my baby girl at 19 weeks and 6 days. I’ve been in that in-between place for a while now. It is a hard place to be, on top of all the hardness and pain that you already knew about. I’m so sorry that this happened. If you ever want to talk about definitions and in-between-ness and sadness, I’m here. xo
Yes, it is so much more than a miscarriage. I’m glad you were able to hold and kiss your baby. I know that no one ever truly “heals” from something like this, but you will be with your baby (and other baby) one day. Until then, the baby will rest in Jesus’ arms. I am continuing to think about you and the baby. And you and family will continue to be in my prayers. Much love! I hope your heart can find some comfort.
in situations like these there is just nothing to say, which is partly why I’ve not commented yet. I feel so lucky to be close enough to “do”. Keep the instructions coming for me and the boys and I will see you tomorrow:)
We love you and Wibef tons and miss the time we would have spent with your little one
oh Jen. my heart breaks for you guys. take care of yourself.
So very, very sorry for your loss.
I am so, so very sorry your baby could not stay. I am so sorry for your loss.
Healing is the rest of your life, but I am grateful you can see the joy in holding the baby.
I wish your family the best as you share stories about your little one. Meeting the baby is just beyond words and I hope it helps you to hold your memories a little more tenderly.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am in tears after reading your blog for the first time. I’ve only experienced 1 miscarriage and it was at just 6 weeks. It was beyond devastating so I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. All I can say is that I am so sorry and even though we’ve never met, I send you all my love.
I am so sad for you. Sending love and prayers your way.
So very sorry for your loss. Sending love to you and your family…
Jen, so sad to have made it into Angie’s sorry list with you. And I agree – I think losing your baby at sixteen and a half weeks is definitely a whole different story to a miscarriage. Sending love xxxh
Sending you and Matt SO much love as your work thru this tragic loss.
xxx
I have no words to offer. You’re all in my constant thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
I just found your blog through Angie’s, and I want to let you know how so very sad and sorry I am for your loss. I wish something I could do or say could make this a teeny bit easier, but, sadly, I know better. Sending big hugs and love to you and your family.
xo
I have been a long time lurker but never commented. I’ve cried for you over the past few days and thought I should let you know that even those of us who read but never comment are keeping you, Matt and Elizabeth in our thoughts and prayers. And it doesn’t matter what the definitions say – your grief and your loss is real – no matter what it is called. Know that you are supported from near and far by so many.
I came over from Cece’s blog, although I’ve read yours occasionally before. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It seems that in some ways, the timing makes things easier – not having to explain to strangers. In other ways, it might be harder because you don’t get the sympathy and time to heal you’d get with a stilllbirth. I like Salome Ellen’s “mis-birth” idea.
I am so sorry for your loss.
i love you
I have thought about you so many times in that last few days and my heart just breaks for all that you have had to go through and for the pain that you are feeling. My 3rd child was born at just over 21 weeks and just a few weeks after we had told people that we were expecting – it had been our happy little secret. One of the very worst parts of my whole experience was people assuming I wasn’t that far along, that I hadn’t labored and delivered, and that I couldn’t possibly have been attached to something that I didn’t really ‘have’ (in the sense that I had never seen her or touched her or had her right infront of me.) Regardless of how your loss is classified, I hope that people understand that you gave birth to a baby whom you loved and you named and you held and you cherished – and that Elizabeth has a sibling. Gentle hugs to you and lots of wishes for peace and comfort during this difficult time.
I am so sorry, Jen.
Sorry that the baby died and very sorry that you are facing this nightmare.
Hugs.
Here from the LFCA. I am so sorry for you loss and completely identify with your frustration at having such a loss called a “miscarriage”. I’ve had three losses – at 21 weeks (Jeremiah) and 18 weeks (Miles) and one early loss at 5 weeks. It bothers me that losing Miles is called a “miscarriage” just like the very early loss, and not a stillbirth like Jeremiah. As you say, it is a VERY different thing to go through labor, hold your baby, and call the mortuary than it is to have an early loss. My medical records may call Miles a “miscarriage” but I never do.
You’ve lost a baby – no matter what the medical community wants to call it. And you have every right to grieve the loss of that baby however you feel is best.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 19 weeks and I felt the same way. I have also had a miscarriage. For me, I think I assumed that once I made it safely through the first trimester, everything would be fine. I stopped worrying. I really started getting ready and planning. Which is not to say that a miscarriage is not hard too. They were just two very different experiences for me. Its just so hard. I will keep you in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be.
I am so sorry, my thoughts have been with you for a while now and have no words. Just want you to know I am here and I cared about that baby and about you.
HUGS my friend.
The lack of a definition is one of the things that makes me crazy (lost a daughter at 24 weeks to a cord accident, her twin brother was born at 30 weeks). Even having a baby I had to explain to the grocery store and my gyro provider (I had become seriously addicted) because I disappeared into the hospital for weeks. But labels have bothered me as well (http://wileydise.blogspot.com/2011/06/labels.html).
I am so sorry for your loss and so thankful for your sharing of it.