I comment on a lot of blogs. I like to leave comments because I like to get comments. (And that makes it sound like I leave comments in order to get comments. No. I leave comments because I like comments so I figure that you like comments too.) I used to be able to leave more comments than I can now. I think my New Year’s blog resolution this year will to leave more comments and to spread them around a little bit better. (Like your blog. That I have been meaning to comment on for AGES! I read it, I really do.)
When I leave comments, I try to leave a comment that I would like to get. I try to think about my comment and think about the different ways that it could be misinterpreted. You know, because you can’t hear my voice through the computer, maybe you can’t tell when I am teasing. (I end up leaving a lot of smiley faces for that very reason, even though I don’t really like the emoticon.)
I have a hard and fast rule for comments. I never, ever leave a comment that contains the words “at least.” (Exception: joking, in lighthearted situations.) I also never leave a comment that could contain the words “at least” even if it doesn’t.
At least you know you can get pregnant.
At least you have a child already.
At least you know who your real friends are now.
Those kinds of statements are not helpful. When someone writes a post grieving a miscarriage, they don’t care that they were pregnant. They want to still be pregnant. If someone writes a post where support is warranted, they don’t need you to look on the bright side for them. They don’t need the bright side, they need the support.
Often, I write three or four comments and delete them before finally settling on what I want to say. I’m sure I have unintentionally hurt someone with my words. But I put each comment through the “at least” test before I click submit. I try to put myself in the place of the person receiving the comment and think about what I would want to hear. That makes it hard to leave comments on my non-regular blogs, like when someone else sends me to a friend for support or I go from the Lost and Found. In those situations, I end up leaving a totally uninspired repeat that someone else has already said. “I’m sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.” But repeats are better than “at leasts” and I truly mean those uninspired things that other people have already written.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Here from Creme:
Thank you for being such a sensitive commenter! I know I’ve received comments that I at first took the wrong way, and had to back up and read it again, knowing it wasn’t meant to hurt. The fact that you put your comments “to the test” in the first place shows a great amount of thought for your fellow bloggers and their reactions! :)
Hi, here from Creme de la Creme.
I totally agree with you. I phrase and rephrase my comments quite a while myself, and sometimes I just end up not leaving any, afraid that I might hurt someone with my comment. Words can soothe or inflict pain, as we all know. ‘At least’ in the ALI world, we can rely on the others to say something nice and supportive. ;-)) This is what we are here for, to talk to people who get it.
You sound like a really great friend.
It’s true, when someone is mourning a loss, “they don’t need you to look on the bright side for them.” It’s so unhelpful and you put them in the awkward position of agreeing with you even though it doesn’t help at all. When the griever is ready, they will look on the bright side. Until then, we can certainly find other ways to be there for them.
I’m always tempted to make the “at least…” comment, but I know how unhelpful that is. I do hate the lack of originality in my sympathy comments, but having read so much about it, leaving an unoriginal comment is much better than scurrying away in fear of offending.
Here from the Creme…
I wholeheartedly agree. I only use “at least” when referring to myself being ridiculous.
Saying “at least” to someone about their situation is just invalidating their feelings
(from the creme)
You are correct as always. I need to remember to check my own commensts against this rule.
Great insight~thanks for posting this!
What a great guideline! I’m going to use this from here on out.
Yay for comments! I also love comments and try to comment a lot on people’s blogs. I’m currently attempting to comment on each and every Creme de la Creme 2010 post in 100 days. Admittedly, I will not be able to take the time and careful thought into every post that you do. I really respect you the importance you put on your comments and the way you try to think about how your words will affect the other person. I’m glad I came across this post now, so I can keep your intentions in mind when I do my own commenting. Thank you!
Creme de la Creme #125
Creme de la Creme 2010 Iron Clad Commenter Attempt
http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/iron-clad-creme-de-la-creme-commenter/
from creme
I am a bit fast and loose with my comments – so your post has made me stop and think. I am never negative but you are right people could take things the wrong way – better safe than sorry.
Thanks for your post! I am new to the blogging world so I have yet to experience any negative, rude or hateful comments. Being one of those people who need support more than brightside comments right now I really appreciate how much thought you put behind commenting.
http://copingwithmyfertilityjourney.blogspot.com/
I am a reader! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!
xoxoMB